Bitches Be Crazy

Bitches be crazy. I first heard this phrase from a noble philosopher who would prefer to remain anonymous. "Bitches be crazy" is the only bit of truth that I am sure of in this world.

I mean, I love bitches. All the affection they give me, the way they stare into my eyes, and man I go crazy when they try to rub up against me.

But let's be real: One minute they're sitting in your lap loving the belly rubs, the next they are sprinting out the door in some pointless attempt to kill a squirrel. I wonder some times, do these bitches care more about me or a full stomach? If they could choose between me loving them for eternity or endless food I'm not too sure they would pick me; I'd like to think they would.

Also why are my bitches always rolling in shit??? Do they think I like petting shitty fur? Yes, that is just what I want. I want my bitch to come running up to me with her fake bitch smile and rub her poopy self all over my hands and clothes. My mom says it's like bitch perfume. I say it's like dog shit.

Hey bitch! Stop begging me for food. Have I ever given you one of my chicken nuggets? Ever? I don't even give friends or family my food but for some reason you think I'm gonna let you enjoy the majesty McDonald's has to offer? How many times have I asked you for any of your food? How many? This paragraph had more questions than answers.

On a side-note: Why are dogs allowed to rape each other? Where is PETA in this very serious, reoccurring issue? At one time in my life I had this sleazy, asshole, golden retriever living next door named Kyle. My bitches were still very young, enjoying the innocence of their naive life when my main bitch Allie was raped by that asshole Kyle. Bitch got no justice. Was it because she is black? Well let's just say that if it had been some yellow lab bitch, that golden retriever would have been put to sleep faster than you can say red rocket. Gold-on-black crime is an ugly reality that we all need to wake up and see.


Insert peanut butter joke here.

Look I get love from bitches all the time. I'm grateful for that. But I'm just getting sick of trying to understand you crazy bitches. It's like you're a different species or something. I always feel special when you cuddle with me and lick my face, and then I come home to find you doing the same thing with my own brother! You bitch! If it's an open relationship you want, fine, but don't sniff me every time I come home wondering where I've been. Yes! I was petting a pussy.